Transition is never easy. The feelings that led to that path weren't easy. The decisions, the weight, the confusion...all of it. Its hard to describe.
I have spent the last 6 months deep dive working on myself. I spent a lot of time questioning myself. Were my feelings valid or was I overreacting? Am I imagining this or is it really happening? The truth is, I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe what I was feeling. I wanted to believe I was living as the best version of myself, always putting my best foot forward, and all of my world was going to be sunshine and rainbows. I wanted to feel good and I wanted so desperately to be happy, but I can't unsee the past. I can't unfeel the hurt. I know now and that's why I had to walk away.
The hardest part isn't what happened or even the end result. The hardest part was having to look at myself in a way I had never done before. Its easy to feel like a victim and villainize what hurt me, but that isn't going solve anything. I had to dig deep into my thoughts, my emotions, my reactions... I have to accept that there were times where I was part of the problem. I could have reacted differently. I could vocalized and communicated better. I have to hold myself accountable for the part that I played. Unfortunately, there are some things in life that time and good intentions can't repair. I am worthy and deserving of a life that does not require me to be exhausted.
So, what now?
I learn. I learn from the mistakes I made and move forward with intention. I continue to actively heal and be the person I want to be. The woman I deserve to be. Not for anyone else, for me.
I'll keep living. Finding joy in the micro moments of life. Allowing laughter and love to consume me. Celebrating. Getting excited when the sky turns pretty colors and feeling the calm of a cup of hot tea and a good thunderstorm. Breathe with awareness and move forward with purpose. I will continue to live.
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