Wild and Rewritten

For those who have noticed and reached out to me, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, genuinely and completely, thank you. 

I have been absent from here for a few months. Life has taken me in some unexpected directions and detours and I needed some time and space to get myself together. I know that I have written about it before and won't ever stop. Mental health is no joke.

Back in December, a dear friend of mine was murdered. If you knew Benji in any capacity, you would know he was one of the kindest and gentlest souls to ever grace this world. He died doing what he did best... selflessly helping others. I struggled with it and still do. 

For a long time coming, my marriage has been struggling mostly due in part to me and my mental health. I won't ever go into detail regarding my personal life (specifically my personal relationships with people) but I found it important to mention this in this moment. My husband is not a bad man. He never has been. We've had many years of laughter and positive memories. We built a little life for ourselves and while it isn't perfect, its ours. In the spirit of keeping our private life private, I'll move on to my main point>>> mental health. Over the course of time, there have been many small (and seemingly insignificant) moments that made me feel unseen, unheard, and dismissed. Now, to be clear, again, these moments have been SEEMINGLY insignificant. When these moments happened, I didn't always express my feelings about them because "I didn't want to make a big deal out of something so small" or "Is it really that important to fuss about?". I'm here to tell you today that yes it is. Yes it is important to bring it up. Yes it is important to vocalize it. Yes it is important to pay attention to see the reaction. Unbeknownst to me, my brain took a running tally of all of these encounters. When I thought that I had just forgotten about them and moved forward, I hadn't. When it became too much, I disconnected and in turn, shut down completely in order to not have to feel it. I found myself not communicating or sharing. I'd stay up all night occupying my time working on the business, this blog, and other creative outlets. I wasn't happy and I definitely wasn't healthy. 

I stepped away. I took a break from the environment that I was in. From the people that (I felt) I needed to repair from. From the life that was not serving me.  The changes and the growth that have come with that decision have been amazing. I sought therapy. I started living a healthier lifestyle. I have learned A LOT about myself and began to understand why I felt the way that I did. I began to see the patterns and behaviors that essentially threw me into crisis mode. Most importantly, I am learning from them .  I'm learning how to effectively maneuver my own thoughts and feelings. How to properly vocalize. Gentle noticing. Emotional regulation. 

Its important to me that I share my story. Everyone's situation looks different, but the message is still the same. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to choose yourself. The story doesn't end. You have the choice to rewrite future chapters. Not everyone is going to like it and expect some hurt along the way, but I promise your future self will thank you. The people who are meant to be in your life will understand. They will stand by you and show you support. You need to accept your role in your life. What I mean by that, is I wasn't always right. I caused hurt too. I didn't always act (or react) in the ways I should have. Is that enough to fix it? Not always, but it's enough to make a change moving forward. Things don't happen to you, they happen FOR you. Wins, losses, goods, messy, bads... all of it. If it isn't a blessing it's a lesson. Make sure you open your eyes, see it, and accept it.